The overwhelming majority of men never move past the surface veneer of their friendships with others. It’s almost like we need an unlearning of what has become our definition of friendship.

Webster says this: Friendship is the state of being friends, or the quality or state of being friendly, showing kindly interest and goodwill, not hostile.

Sorry, but Webster’s definition of friendship is the definition of surface veneer, there’s far more to be explored here. It’s as if friendship has become defined by more of what we’re not (hostile, unkind), rather than what we are.

Sure, a word’s definition is not supposed to be the sum of its meaning, but if you were to define it, what adjectives come to mind? Here are few that came to my mind:

Kind
Honest
Funny
Generous

These are good, but it leaves me wanting more.

I titled this essay The fallacy of transactional friendship because many of us are wanting more, but we don’t necessarily know how to find it, which is how we settle for transactional.

Here are a few examples of transactional friendships:

“Our kids play soccer together and we coach them each year, but we don’t do much outside of that.” – Transactional

“We do a few business deals together each year and play golf together, but we don’t do much outside of that.” – Transactional

“Our family is in a life group together through our local church, but we don’t do much outside of meeting once each month.” – Transactional

Let me clarify, transactional is not inherently bad. In fact, the examples above are all good, very good, and even necessary. But they are transactional. These relationships are often associated with an individual completing a task or routine and the result is friendship. And therein lies why I specifically use the word fallacy to describe these transactional friendships, it’s the myth that we’re believing because we’ve checked the box of friendship in our social circle or calendar, yet we’re wanting, even longing for something much deeper, and it’s because we’ve been designed for much more.

In many ways, we’ve settled for friendship that is driven by an outcome or an agenda, and so when the outcome is complete (sport’s season is over, business deal closed, lifegroup no longer meeting) the friendship goes dormant or is completely gone. It’s because the friendship was built on a transaction.

Ok, ok….so what’s the alternative?

Scripture provides some beautiful examples of friendship in Paul and Timothy, Jesus and the disciples, David and Jonathan, and many others. We see these friendships embody forgiveness, love (philia), brotherhood, genuine affection, carrying each other’s burdens, etc. Thus, this should be the aim of our friendship gaze.

Do you have a male friendship that’s defined by forgiveness, love, brotherhood and genuine affection?

If you do. It’ll transform your life. Period.

Many men would even feel a bit odd by describing a friendship like this, but it’s what we need. When Paul describes this in Romans, he’s giving very specific instructions about how we’re ought to live as Christians, as followers of Jesus. The issue is that many of us as men shy away from these types of friendships because we’re either too afraid or we’re too busy.

Too afraid because we’re parked in guilt and shame and don’t want to be exposed. Guys, it’s time to get over this, repent and confess if necessary, because we’ve all been there.

Too busy because we’ve become obsessed with productivity and efficiency and the friendships we need simply take too much time and will become far too messy.

We’re unknowingly creating a lifestyle that leaves absolutely no margin for error. Every hour, day, week, month, season, etc. is full, there’s no room for anything else. And usually it’s because we’re doing many “good” things, but in reality, it’s subtly robbing us of what gives us life and deeper meaning. We must create time and margin in our life for the deepening of meaningful friendships. And for men, an establishment of a brotherhood.

There’s no substitute for this.

I’ll say it this way, my life has been exponentially enhanced in Every. Single. Way. because I’m intentionally seeking deeper, more abiding, and genuine friendships with men in my community.

For many of us, we’ve unknowingly exchanged God’s design in brotherhood for a conditioned transaction of association that we call friendship, what a fallacy.

Gentlemen, get away from the surface veneer, stop consuming and performing. Create margin. Honor one another. Embody forgiveness. Heck, be willing to show up for one another for long enough that’ll even warrant the need for forgiveness. Oh, and please don’t make it weird.

Each of us need a brotherhood. If you don’t have one, invite a couple of other men in and start one. Read scripture together, chew on it. Read Life Together by Bonhoeffer. Eat good meals. Have extended time to spend together with each other’s families. Re-orient your busyness with presence and proximity. And with time, it’ll begin to form into something special.

Stop settling for transactional friendships,